These equine humours have been taken from various internet sources, mostly published anonymously. To the various authors, Thank You for adding a smile to our daily routine. Should you know who has written what, please be so kind to advise us in order for us to give credit where credit is due.
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Riding - The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.
You can tell a gelding, ask a mare but you must discuss it with a stallion!
My horse is very polite, he always lets me go over the jump first.
A horse is the most honest creature in the world, if she's doing something wrong, it's probably because you told her to!
Sign outside a riding stable: We have big horses for big folks, small horses for small folks, fast horses for folks who like to ride fast, slow horses for folks who like to ride slow, and for folks who have never ridden before, we have horses who have never been ridden!
Surgeon General Warning - Horses are expensive, addictive and may impare the ability to use common sense.
Judge about a stallion during a grading session: "This horse would make a mighty fine gelding".
You can lead a horse to water - but you can't make him jump in it.
People who don't take care of their own horses will be the first ones to tell you how to care for yours.
A handsome horse who's badly behaved will become a lot less attractive in about 15 min.
People who think they have nothing more to learn about riding, hit the ground the hardest.
Children and ponies are natural allies and often have identical dispositions.
The richest horse people often look the poorest.
The closeness of a horse is one of the sweetest smells in the world.
A solitary ride through the bush is more beneficial then six months with the best psychiatrist.
The worse a person rides the more likely they are going to blame it on the horse.
The best thing about going to the barn first thing in the morning is that horses don't care how you look.
If a dealer insists a horse is worth twice what he's asking he's usually worth half that much.
The best way to appreciate how another person rides is to get on their horse.
It is not wise to argue with something that outweighs you by 1,100 pounds.
I'd rather have a horse with a perfect mind then a perfect head.
When someone asks you if you like their horse, always say yes.
The happiest people I know own horses, dogs, cats and at least one deranged goat.
If you're looking for the perfect horse you will never own one.
Owning a horse can either make a marriage or break it.
You shouldn't talk about your first place ribbon to someone that came in second.
If someone says that horse is athletic, it has a BIG buck.
If we need rain, schedule a show.
I've never warmed up to someone that didn't want to walk down to the stables.
A clean stable and a sparkling horse are among life's great pleasures.
No matter how badly behaved you are, your horse always gives you a second chance.
A more expensive horse doesn't make a better one.
Losing a horse can break your heart, but it will have been worth it.
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How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?
Warmblood - Light bulb? What light bulb?
Any foal - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Thoroughbred - Just one. And he'll rewire the barn while he's at it.
Shetland pony - I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Saddlebred - Sorry, just had my hooves and mane done.
Morgan - Oh, oh, me, me! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Quarter Horse - Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Trakhener - Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Akhal-Teke - Zero! ATs aren't afraid of the dark!
Holsteiner - How DARE that light bulb burn out!! How DARE you ask me to change it!! OH!! [Flouncing off]
Appaloosa - No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room.
Arab - That's what we pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.
Connemara - We'll just be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not be noticin' the light.
Andalusian - Let the maid do it, I need to go roll in the mud.
Clydesdale - Och, and ye'll just be usin' up the lectricity, ye' will, better tae use a wee bit of candle ... better yet tae not waste either and just gae tae sleep when the sun gaes doon ... electricity is verra dear.
NSH - [fidgeting all the while] Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose? This is my good side ... no wait, let me get my mane straight... no wait, this angle is all wrong. No, wait, maybe this is my good side. Do you want dramatic ... or bold ... or maybe sensitive ...
Shire - (Yawn) Who cares?
Haflinger - Show me where it is and I'll do it, no problem! Can I clean a little too while I'm at it? You want me to fix lunch for you to while I'm at it?
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On the first day of creation, God created the Horse.
On the second day, God created Man to serve the Horse.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when Man was upon his back.
On the fourth day, God created an honest days work so that Man could labour to pay for the keeping of the Horse.
On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that the horse could eat and Man could toil and clean up after the Horse.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and Man broke.
On the seventh day, God rested and said; "This is good. This will teach Man humility; it will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."
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Horse trailer - Mobile cave bear den
Hotwalker - The lesser of two evils
Arena - Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit - Means by which a riders every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking - Counter-irritant.
Crossties - Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage - Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence - Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain - Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching Rail - Means by which to test ones strength.
Jump - An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch - A type of puzzle.
Longeing - Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner - Human assigned responsibility for ones feeding.
Rider - Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier - Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer - Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian - Flightless vulture.
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The test:
A = Enter at ordinary serpentine.
X = Sprawl. Salute.
C = Stop dead. Stare in horror at judge and shy to left. Continue at ordinary trot.
E = Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 meters in diameter circle or pear shape or 5 pointed star. Avoid excessive crossing of legs.
K = Begin to halt.
Z = Keep trying.
F = You can do it.
B = Pulley rein. Give up. Continue at out of hand gallop.
H = Regain right stirrup. Continue at ordinary trot, bouncing.
M-K-T = Change rein. Free walk loose reins. Remove horse from judges luncheon table. Ask judge for leg up. Jump back into the ring.
Z = Turn down center line. Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave arena at free walk on long reins. Loose language.
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10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout: "Get off, Stupid! GET OFF!!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your cheque book our your purse and write out a R2000 cheque without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neigbours what you are doing: they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, hon? Moving hay bales if FUN!", and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won first place. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen.....
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience.....this is a learning experience.....this is....
AND NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:......
1. Marry money!!!
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I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask.
If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
11. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
12. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"
13. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
14. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one?
15. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
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Good things about husbands:
• Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
• Feeding a husband does not require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
• A lame husband can still work.
• A husband with a belly ache does not have to be walked.
• Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
• They are better able to understand puns.
• If they are playing hard to catch, you "may" be able to run them down on foot.
• They know their names.
• They usually pay their own bills.
• They apologise when they step on your toes.
• No saddle fitting problems.
• They seldom refuse to get into a vehicle.
• They don't panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you've left the kids with them too!).
• For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
• They don't like the lady next door as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight.
The horse's advantage:
• If they don't work out, you can sell them.
• They don't come complete with in-laws.
• You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
• You never have to iron their saddle pads.
• If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.
• They smell good when they sweat.
• You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
• It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
• You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.
• They don't want their turn at the computer.
• They may turn white with age, but never go bald.
• They have never heard of PMS.
• They learn to accept restraints.
• They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot or an apple.
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You know you're a REAL horseperson when.......
• You click to your dog and friends
• Your daughter's birth announcement reads: "it's a filly!"
• You've taught your dog to lunge
• There is at least one saddle in the living room
• You wonder if Hoofmaker doubles as a moisturizer
• You think the 5th fairway would make a great galloping lane
• You explain to your child's pediatrician that you knew the child was sick because he was off his feed
• No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...but that's okay, because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
• Your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you answer: "And your point is?"
• You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food
• You consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land
• You pull a R100 000.00 horse trailer with a R10 000.00 bakkie
• You realise that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks
• You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician.
• Your horse gets new shoes more often than you do
• You put a gun rack in your bakkie to carry dressage whips and riding crops
• For once you have extra money to buy yourself something, but when you get to the check out counter, you decide you don't need that shirt anyway, it could go for an entry fee
• The real estate agent asks what kind of house your are looking for and you say: "more than 6 acres"
• You are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift. "They really cared!"
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A sentimental fool! She displays a minimum of 6 8x10 color photos of her horse and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse!
Easy to locate! She's either out on the horse or in the barn!
Upholds the double standard! Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave!
Owns but one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn!
A social butterfly! Providing the party is given by another horsey wife! Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions!
Economy minded! Won't waste money on permanents, facials or manicures!
A culinary perfectionist! Checks every section of hay for mould but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave!
Occasionally amorous but never leaves lipstick on your collar! At worst a slight trace of chapstick!
Easy to outfit! No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques! You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell! Bitterly complains about your sticky sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater!
Unmistakable in a bathing suit! She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrist!
A dedicated clubwoman as long as the words "horse" and/or "riding" appear in its name!
Has your leisure at heart! Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into MUD)!
A master at multiplication! She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare she breeds it!
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget! Easily justifies spending hundreds of rands but croaks when you spend R50 for a tie!
An engaging conversationalist! Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration!
Socially aware! Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots!
A moving force in the family! House by house, she will get you to move closer and closer to horse country (and farther from your job)!
Easy to please! A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof-pick will win her heart forever!
Shows her affection in unusual ways!
If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy" - believe it or not- she loves you!
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For those that are new to the sport and who are going to buy their first horse, a thesaurus for jargon used by many...
BIG TROT - can't canter within a two mile straight-away.
NICELY STARTED - lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
TOP SHOW HORSE - won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.
HOME BRED - knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.
BIG BONED - good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.
NO VICES - especially when he wears his muzzle.
BOLD - runaway.
GOOD MOVER - runaway.
ATHLETIC - runaway.
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER - runaway.
SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS - currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but "this" horse will defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED - hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED - hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.
RECENTLY VETTED - someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
TO GOOD HOME ONLY - not really for sale unless you can - 1) Pay twice what he is worth 2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION - never been out of the stall.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS - clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME - rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.
QUIET - dead (almost).
SPIRITED - psychotic.
WELL BRED - mother and father are also brother and sister!
COLOR IS BLACK - brown and/or dirty.
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME - Please pay for us to find out what the heck is wrong with him!
SUITS EVENTING - no brakes.
SUITS DRESSAGE - no accelerator.
SUITS ANYONE - except us, we hate him !
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1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you can bet he isn't $2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
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